Big ACOAs Don’t Cry

My brother recently passed away.  I’m sad about it, I truly am.  But to the world, I’m not expressing my grief.  Showing emotion is hard for me, it was hard for my brother too.  When he told me he had to have his foot amputated, before I could say anything or express feeling about it he said, “Don’t cry for me.”  I guess that’s just the ACOA way.

I’m learning that ACOAs tend to bury their feelings.  Counsellor and Psychoanalyst, Hugh Trethowan wrote that when you grow up in an alcoholic home, feelings aren’t really listened to or given much credence, and expressing them was often met with negative reactions.  The non-alcoholic spouse might have had their attention diverted in the direction of the drinker and the emotional needs of the children became ignored to some degree.  Expressions such as anger or sadness in the family were emotions to be avoided.  So the children learn to bury their feelings and this carries on into adulthood.  Unexpressed emotions can lead to depression and to addictions of their own, which explained a lot about me and my siblings.

The good news is that with the knowledge and understanding of the root causes of these issues, we can bring change and healing to our lives.  Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

 

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3 thoughts on “Big ACOAs Don’t Cry

  1. Thanks for this blog Auntie. I always wondered why my dad never showed any emotion. It’s always hard to know if he’s “happy, sad, angry or depressed.” It was hard growing up with the emotional disconnection. This blog meant a lot. Rest In Peace Uncle John💔

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  2. Thank you for writing this. It helps to know that I’m not alone in this. When my boyfriend died of cancer years ago, I didn’t cry for hours. I tried explaining to his family that I truly did love him but I just didn’t feel like crying then. But hours later, I truly realized I’d never see him again. The room started to spin, my knees got weak and I started balling. I know it must have looked strange to them.

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