Standing on Shaky Ground

“The conscious mind determines the actions, the unconscious mind determines the reactions; and the reactions are just as important as the actions.” ~ E. Stanley Jones.

I rarely remember my dreams but when I do remember – even if it’s just in bits and pieces – I look for a meaning.  I believe there are things hidden in my unconscious mind that if it were not for my natural tendencies to avoid and deny, would freely rise above the surface.  Instead I think I get flashes of what my mind is trying to reveal to me in my dreams.

Last night I had a dream.  All I can remember is that it had to do with the floor.  I either wanted to get a new floor installed or wanted to repair a floor.  So I asked myself, what, if anything, is the significance of a floor.

I learned that the floor represents your foundation or the basis for your beliefs; or your support system.  It may represent how well you are grounded; or the separation of your conscious and unconscious.

I recently moved my mother into an assisted living residence.  And although it’s the best place for her now at this stage in her life, I feel some type of way about it.  She was my support system and it’s hard to fathom that she is not the same strong-willed, self-sufficient, independent woman she used to be.

The separation from my rock, my foundation, and co-dependent fellow ACOA has left me feeling shaky.  I’ll be all right though.  It’s an adjustment and it’ll take time.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

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Patterns of Dysfunction

I had a lot of fears growing up ACOA.  My father was at the root of those fears.  I was always afraid that he would embarrass me in front of my friends when he was drunk.  He was very talkative after he’d a few drinks and it annoyed me to no end.

When I grew up, I unconsciously gravitated to men just like my father; drinkers and smokers.  I hated these habits, but it’s all I’d ever known.  My brothers drank liquor and smoked, my mother and her best friend enjoyed drinking beer.  It was all I’d seen.  I evidently began to drink alcohol and beer too, although I never enjoyed it.

I supposed it’s easy to fall into bad patterns of dysfunctional behavior if you’re not paying attention.  You take things as they are and accept them as normal.  I’m thankful for learning about the effects of being a child of an alcoholic.  I continue to try to make strides to overcome my dysfunctional upbringing, although this in no easy feat.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins, and I’m an adult child of an alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

Unlocking the Unconscious Mind

The unconscious is the part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but affects behavior and emotions.  For years I have been out of touch with my inner self; operating from the vantage point that I did as a child.

Earlier this year I dreamed that I was pumping gasoline in my back seat of my car rather than in the fuel tank.  Curious of what the dream might represent, I Googled it.  I learned that to dream of being at a gas station represents a need to re-energize and revitalize yourself.  At that time, I was doing so much for others and not taking care of myself.  I was both physically and mentally exhausted and needed rest.

In recent weeks, with the passing of my brother, and having to move my mother into an assisted living residence, I once again find myself physically and mentally drained.  I sleep but get no rest and my body aches all over.  This, I believe is the unconscious manifesting itself and giving me warnings.

We ACOAs must learn to listen to those quiet unconscious messages from our minds and remember it’s all right to take care of ourselves.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

#ACoAAwareness

Breaking Co-dependency

My ACOA mother is now living in an assisted-living residence.  She’s fine.  She likes her room and the staff treats her like a queen.  So why is she still depending on me?  “Let’s change the bedding,” she said when I visited her today.  “Okay,” I obliged.  “Take this sweater and wash it for me,” she demanded.  “Mom, the staff will wash your clothes.”  “No, you take it and wash it for me.”  “Okay,” I again obliged.

I supposed old ACOA habits die hard.  I know she is in good hands at the assisted-living residence, but I still worry about her.  She says she likes the place and she has everything to make her comfortable.  But feel like I’m missing an appendage.  I’m sure I’ll get over my anxiety in time.  It’s only been seven days!

Because we are both ACOA, we both hide our feelings and have adopted a survival role in order to cope with the stresses of life.  I supposed we have been each other’s partner in survival.  Now we both must learn to lean less on one another and stand on our own.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.