Reasons Why We Self-Sabotage

Call it getting in own way; call it self-defeating behavior, call it accidentally-on-purpose shooting yourself in the foot. Whatever you call it, we ACOAs can make sure it doesn’t happen with self-sabotage.

There are a million ways we self-sabotage, but some of the most common are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, compulsive eating, and interpersonal conflict. Actions like these are especially insidious because they are relatively small.

So, why indeed do we do this to ourselves?

For me, it’s about my worth. For most of my life I felt like I didn’t deserve to be successful. Ironically, I worked hard and aim high because I was trying to make up for a sense of inadequacy. But when my hard work and high standards led to good things I shot myself in the foot. Why?

A little concept called cognitive dissonance provides the answer. Basically, people like to be consistent. Usually, our actions line up with our beliefs and values. But when they don’t, we get uncomfortable and try to line them up again. That’s why if we start to stack up some achievements, but think we’re worthless, incapable, or deficient, we pull the plug to get rid of the dissonance. It feels bad to fail, but not as bad as it does to succeed.

Another problem is control. It feels better to control your own failure than to let it blindside you. When the possibility of failure is too hot to handle, you take matters into your own hands. Self-sabotage isn’t pretty, but it’s a dignified alternative to spinning out of control. At least when you’re at the helm, going down in flames feels more like a well-controlled burn.

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Source: Ellen Hendriksen, The Savvy Psychologist, Thrive Global, 2017

 

Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals. Among the most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting.

People aren’t always aware that they are sabotaging themselves, and connecting a behavior to a self-defeating consequences is no guarantee that a person will disengage from the behavior. Still, it is possible to overcome almost any form of self-sabotage. There are behavioral therapies that can aid in interrupting ingrained patterns of thought and action while strengthening deliberation and self-regulation processes. Motivational therapies reconnect people with their goals and values.

Why Do People Sabotage Themselves?

There are many potential reasons why a person might act in a way that proves damaging to his or her well-being. Some individuals spend much of their lives struggling with powerful cravings for food, drink, gambling, and other temptations that come with painful costs to their health or relationships.

But the forces that lead to self-sabotage can also be more subtle, such as an accumulation of dysfunctional and distorted beliefs that lead people to underestimate their capabilities, suppress their feelings, or lash out at those close to them. An important aspect of dealing with counterproductive behavior is identifying where it might be coming from.

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Source: Psychology Today © 2019 Sussex Publishers, LLC

Getting to the root of things

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father and ACOA mother has left quite a bit of scares.  I’m finding that many of my insecurities and anxieties were developed in my youth and are still present to this day.

I’ve been examining different areas in my life; those areas I want to change but have not been successful in doing so.  For example, I always wanted to get in shape and have purchased gym memberships on several occasion over the years only to abandon the idea entirely.

I feel like it’s self-sabotage on my part; but why?  Applying what I have learned about being an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), I know that I tend to hide.  Oftentimes, weight gain can be a way of disappearing.  Sometimes people don’t want to be seen or get attention; this was certainly the case with me.  So I cut myself off and binge ate alone.  I wondered why going to the gym intimidate me so much.  Does it remind me of gym class in school, which I hated by the way.  If I am honest with myself about the root cause of my emotional or compulsive eating, I can see the things I’m cutting myself off from.

The truth is that I can go to the gym just as I am, and I can start being more social and accept myself at the start and set goals for the future.

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The Transformation Continues

In 2015, I identified as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA).  Since then, I continued to struggle to shed some of those nasty ACOA habits, like procrastination, anxiety, self-doubt, and self-sabotage.

I once had a dream about snakes.  Snakes shed their skin to allow for further growth and to remove parasites that have attached to their old skin.  As a snake grows, its skin becomes stretched.  The classic dream of the snake is a symbol of transformation.

I’ve come a long way in my growth-transformation but find that I still have a long way to go.  I still struggle in some areas and the process of going through my transformation is still uncomfortable.  Yet I know I am changing with the help of my higher power, I can do all things.

Hi, I’m Liz Hawkins and I’m a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

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